Monday, July 18, 2011

Hillbilly Revival

For those of you who don't know, there are a lot of terrible things happening in the world today, really terrible. At the top of the list of terrible things would be world hunger, war, old men who think climate change is a myth (dad), pestilence, natural disasters, and Obama. But these things happen every day and we have gotten used to them. They are number one on all of our lists of things to change because they are such big problems. But we have become blinded by the huge problems and we are allowing a couple not-so-biggies to slip by unnoticed. What? What are these things that are so cleverly concealed that we have failed to notice them and consequently squash them before they can evolve into actual world crises? Well, my friends, there is only one you should really be worrying about right now and I have appropriately named it REDNECKERY.
Redneckery: a social problem involving a percentage of a population who resort to hillbilly tendencies. i.e. mullets, enormous cars, gross southern accents, improper diction, loss of manners.
Unfortunately I have picked up on a large concentration of Redneckery in the Provo, UT area. The signs are everywhere. For instance:
It's the 3rd of July. I am riding passenger in Taylor's car. Suddenly my eyes are drawn to two teenage boys riding tiny bikes down the road. Why boys like to ride those tiny bikes I'll never know. Anyway, one of the two boys had, dare I say, a mullet! A mullet! But it was even worse cause it was on the nape of his neck like a rattail/mullet and it was also bleached blond! BLOND! It was disgusting. Let's call this thing the "ultimullet". Also let me add that he was wearing a wife beater. Sad. The worst thing was that I saw THREE ultimullets that same day. They seem to be targeting teenage boys who think they are really cool. Perhaps we should worry less about illegal immigration from Mexico and focus more on the illegal immigration from Missouri (and even Texas).
Other signs have come up while I work as a painter this summer. It seems that blue collar workers are attracted to other blue collar workers, which is what I am. Don't get me wrong, its not that I don't enjoy being catcalled by guys in white pick-up trucks, but... no I actually don't enjoy it. PEOPLE! It's the 21 century!!!! We know we are destroying the environment!!!! BUY SMALLER CARS!!!! Hummers were never awesome.
I don't know what it is but it seems that by now people would have picked up on the "classy is cool" vibe we have going and stop acting like such idiots. If they would just stop putting bigger tires on their cars and start reading books perhaps our country wouldn't be in such trouble. "Don't" is not an appropriate substitute for "Doesn't". If they could finally understand that getting drunk and having sex isn't something I like to discuss at work and if they could please PLEASE stop getting enormous cross tattoos on their backs a la Brad from the bachelor I think we would all be a little happier and a little safer. Thank you.

Anyone who makes a camaro joke will be sorry.


  1. dang it! that last line just ruined what i was gonna say. It`s funny though that hillbillies disgust you that much when that is what makes up 85% of the students in your major. ;) And if you get a jeep you`ll be a hypocrite.

  2. false. there are maybe one or two hillbillies in my major the other ones are hunters and hippies.