Wednesday, August 3, 2011

How To: Use A Bad Day To Your Advantage

Bad days happen to all of us. They are usually unexpected and really really suck. That is why they are bad, duh. So, for all of you out there who just can't seem to cope when things don't go your way I have compiled a set of steps to help you make a bad day less bad.
The Scene:
The sound of your cell phone alarm wakes you and you turn over in bed to shut it off. You were just having a dream about driving your car off a cliff at your old elementary school. It was night and the hard landing jarred your car so bad that it won't start. Obviously, you spend the rest of the dream trying to avoid rapists and murderers that may be lurking behind every corner when the person you should actually be afraid of is a young boy bent on killing his little sister. The fact that this dream was how you spent your night should have been the key indicator that you should just stay in bed. But, no, the sun is shining and you've got a date with the plasma center.
It's 8 in the morning and you get ready to go give plasma. You get to the center, put your name on the standby list, and make your way to a chair in the lobby where you find that the "movie" they have chosen for you to watch is actually a marathon of "In Plain Sight". You internally throw up your hands in defeat because previous donations have taught you that the plasma movie showings are quite the gamble. So, you sit and watch and wait for them to call your name. And wait and wait and wait. Two hours go by and you decide to check how close you are to being called. The lady at the counter shows you the standby list and you don't see your name... odd. Then she turns it over and you see that your name has been crossed off. Apparently they called you and you weren't there.
"How can that be?" you ask.
"Were you in the bathroom?" the lady counters.
"No, I've been sitting here the whole time and I never heard anyone call my name." You are getting frustrated.
"Well... she said she called you and you weren't here."
"So do I have to go to the end of the list now?"
"Yes." at least she seems apologetic. You look at the seven to ten names on the list below your name and say:
"Forget it." and walk out of the center as the lady murmurs a "sorry".
As soon as you're out those doors the tears start to come and you're not a crier (unless you count basically any movie that could bring you remotely close to tears). You're angry and annoyed and you know that you should march back in there and demand to be sent through but you're too embarrassed from crying. The entire way home you sob, which starts to seem ridiculous to you, but you can't stop. It soon becomes apparent that you are crying about more than a botched plasma giving attempt. You get to your apartment complex and the tears continue so you lay across the front seat of your car (so no one can see you) and cry. The gum you're chewing starts turning to mush but you don't care enough to spit it out. Finally, you compose yourself enough to go inside.

Now. What do you do next?

Step 1: Make it inside without being seen.
Crying is embarrassing, so you don't want anyone you know to see your puffy eyes and wet face. Make it across the road and into your apartment and head right up the stairs. Make sure you call a strong "HI!" to your roommate watching TV so she doesn't suspect anything. Get to your room and shut the door.

Step 2: Get into bed.

There is really nothing else you can do at this point. Crying is tiring and so is getting up early. Also, this gives you a chance to hide from everyone. Take your pants off, get in bed, and sleep for as long as possible. This is a crucial step.

Step 3: Wake up only when there is no possibility of you getting anymore sleep.
Sleep is key, so only wake up when you are good and ready. At this point you may want to lay in bed for a while and just think. You will realize that reading your new library books just isn't going to do it for you today. You need mind-numbing entertainment.

Step 4: Take care of business.
Get out of bed and do something useful. Check facebook, email, and the balance of your bank account.

Step 5: You're hungry, so eat!
At this point in the bad day you will realize that you have literally reduced your food stores to cheerios and sandwich ingredients not including bread. This doesn't help you as your episode earlier has left you emotionally and physically drained. So eat a couple slices of deli meat while you figure out your next move. Whatever you do DO NOT go grocery shopping. That will not make you feel better and is much too logical. No. Right now, you really need to go to Taco Bell. Luckily, there is one right down the street.

Step 6: Prepare Yourself
Before you even think about going to get food you need to take care of some things. First, pick out a decent movie on Netflix for you to watch when you get back. It is very important to do this prior to obtaining food so that you can immediately eat and be entertained on your return. The best track to take when selecting said movie is to pick something you would be embarrassed to watch with other people. No quality entertainment allowed. It can be anything from the tale of three Australian girls who deal with their transformations from girlhood to mermaids to wedding shows off of TLC. The second choice seems best. Please avoid anime and black humor shows.

Step 7: Make yourself presentable.
Under no circumstances are you to take a shower. However, you need to put your hair up and apply a little more mascara since yours has been washed away. Another important element is to wear skinny jeans or some other item of clothing that will make you feel good about yourself hence canceling out how you will feel after you've eaten. The Key: you don't want other people to know how low you have sunk so look good.

Step 8: Obtain the food.
Walk to Taco Bell, its not far enough to drive, plus the walk will do you good. You can pretend that all the guys driving by are checking you out. When some of them wave at you pretend not to notice. Get to Taco Bell and order the cheesiest sauciest thing you can think of and while you wait pretend that the 40 year old guys behind you are checking you out. This seems gross, but it will give you a self-esteem boost. Don't forget to get a large caffeinated soda. The caffeine will boost your energy enough so you don't feel like harming yourself. And Pepsi is just so good. You will feel like a rebel.

Step 9: Commence pity party.
Get back to your apartment, put on some stretchy pants (cause you'll need them), and start watching your movie. Eat every bite of the combo meal you ordered. The more the better. This is your day.

Step 10: Hide the evidence.

Though this has been your day and you have used these bad circumstances to your greatest advantage, no one else really needs to know. Frankly, they will be slightly disgusted. So throw away the Taco Bell wrappers and put some real clothes on before the day is over and your roommates get home from work/school.

Things to remember:
-Do Not take calls, answer messages, talk to other people more than necessary
-Look as bad as possible while alone, because you can
-Do Not pick up shifts at work for that night for coworkers. You may kill one of the perky girls at the store accidentally.
-Enjoy it, bad days only come around every so often and you need to make the most of them when they do.

And if its raining that day that is just icing on the cake.

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