Paruresis

I'm just going to get right to the point. I have this terrible phobia of people hearing me when I use the bathroom. I like to call it stage-fright. The internet calls it Paruresis or "shy bladder syndrome" (yes, I just looked it up and it is a real thing). Whatever you call it, it sucks. For any of you who have seen scrubs, I feel a certain kinship with Elliot. It's actually not that bad in public bathrooms with tons of girls, but if there is only one other person in the bathroom, I'm toast. Likewise, if any of my roommates are standing remotely close to the bathroom door I will, literally, sit there motionless until they move away. I always turn the fan on and have even been known to actually turn on the shower once or twice in order to create white-noise. I like to pretend that I can actually convince the people sitting in the next room that I just, randomly, decided to take a two minute shower. Perfectly normal. Also, it gets even worse when boys are around.
Anyway, that was just a little background. So, the other day I was in my apartment and I went to use the bathroom. Luckily, all my roommates were gone so I was home free. No fan or shower needed. So, there I was, doing what I had to do, relishing the fact that I was home alone, when I realized something: Vampires. Vampires would be able to hear me. Sure, no humans were around, but vampires have super hearing!! They can hear a mile away! Vampires are my downfall. Imagine if I had to hang out with vampires all the time like Bella Swan or Elena Gilbert. I would literally never go to the bathroom. Ever.
Well, obviously this realization caused me to freeze. It actually took me several minutes to work up the courage to tell myself that no vampires were around nor could they hear me and to wrap everything up.
One of the scarier moments of my life.

A Warning and A Plea

DISCLAIMER:
This is supposed to be funny. I got a lot of good feedback from it so I thought I would put it up. Thanks. I'm not a psycho.
I am really tired of living with other people who don't clean up there messes. Especially when I have asked them nicely again and again to clean up. So, in honor of all those roommates who just wouldn't clean up their, for lack of a better word, crap, I have written a poem:

Ahem

Please, clean up your dishes
Or I’ll kill you in your sleep. (ok, not really)
I’ve snuck into your room before,
I know your slumber's deep. (No, I haven't ACTUALLY snuck into your room before)
You think that I’m annoying?
Well, you make our kitchen smell. (true)
And if you don’t clean your mess up
Then I’ll send you straight to… (That's really not my decision)
Clean up your dishes,
Do not leave them in the sink.
For there are lots of poisons
I could slip into your drink. (That's true, I could. Will I? No)
Really, I do like you
But, in spite of all we’ve shared,
I’d rather have a clean house
Than somebody who cares.
I've played nice for three long weeks
And I’m not waiting anymore.
So, you better clean your dishes
Or I’ll kill you while you snore. (Once again, I'm not a psycho. I'm not actually going to kill anyone. Do not take this poem seriously)

Love Mikyn

How To: Use A Bad Day To Your Advantage

Bad days happen to all of us. They are usually unexpected and really really suck. That is why they are bad, duh. So, for all of you out there who just can't seem to cope when things don't go your way I have compiled a set of steps to help you make a bad day less bad.
The Scene:
The sound of your cell phone alarm wakes you and you turn over in bed to shut it off. You were just having a dream about driving your car off a cliff at your old elementary school. It was night and the hard landing jarred your car so bad that it won't start. Obviously, you spend the rest of the dream trying to avoid rapists and murderers that may be lurking behind every corner when the person you should actually be afraid of is a young boy bent on killing his little sister. The fact that this dream was how you spent your night should have been the key indicator that you should just stay in bed. But, no, the sun is shining and you've got a date with the plasma center.
It's 8 in the morning and you get ready to go give plasma. You get to the center, put your name on the standby list, and make your way to a chair in the lobby where you find that the "movie" they have chosen for you to watch is actually a marathon of "In Plain Sight". You internally throw up your hands in defeat because previous donations have taught you that the plasma movie showings are quite the gamble. So, you sit and watch and wait for them to call your name. And wait and wait and wait. Two hours go by and you decide to check how close you are to being called. The lady at the counter shows you the standby list and you don't see your name... odd. Then she turns it over and you see that your name has been crossed off. Apparently they called you and you weren't there.
"How can that be?" you ask.
"Were you in the bathroom?" the lady counters.
"No, I've been sitting here the whole time and I never heard anyone call my name." You are getting frustrated.
"Well... she said she called you and you weren't here."
"So do I have to go to the end of the list now?"
"Yes." at least she seems apologetic. You look at the seven to ten names on the list below your name and say:
"Forget it." and walk out of the center as the lady murmurs a "sorry".
As soon as you're out those doors the tears start to come and you're not a crier (unless you count basically any movie that could bring you remotely close to tears). You're angry and annoyed and you know that you should march back in there and demand to be sent through but you're too embarrassed from crying. The entire way home you sob, which starts to seem ridiculous to you, but you can't stop. It soon becomes apparent that you are crying about more than a botched plasma giving attempt. You get to your apartment complex and the tears continue so you lay across the front seat of your car (so no one can see you) and cry. The gum you're chewing starts turning to mush but you don't care enough to spit it out. Finally, you compose yourself enough to go inside.
Now. What do you do next?

Step 1: Make it inside without being seen.
Crying is embarrassing, so you don't want anyone you know to see your puffy eyes and wet face. Make it across the road and into your apartment and head right up the stairs. Make sure you call a strong "HI!" to your roommate watching TV so she doesn't suspect anything. Get to your room and shut the door.

Step 2: Get into bed.
There is really nothing else you can do at this point. Crying is tiring and so is getting up early. Also, this gives you a chance to hide from everyone. Take your pants off, get in bed, and sleep for as long as possible. This is a crucial step.

Step 3: Wake up only when there is no possibility of you getting anymore sleep.
Sleep is key, so only wake up when you are good and ready. At this point you may want to lay in bed for a while and just think. You will realize that reading your new library books just isn't going to do it for you today. You need mind-numbing entertainment.

Step 4: Take care of business.
Get out of bed and do something useful. Check facebook, email, and the balance of your bank account.

Step 5: You're hungry, so eat!
At this point in the bad day you will realize that you have literally reduced your food stores to cheerios and sandwich ingredients not including bread. This doesn't help you as your episode earlier has left you emotionally and physically drained. So eat a couple slices of deli meat while you figure out your next move. Whatever you do DO NOT go grocery shopping. That will not make you feel better and is much too logical. No. Right now, you really need to go to Taco Bell. Luckily, there is one right down the street.

Step 6: Prepare Yourself
Before you even think about going to get food you need to take care of some things. First, pick out a decent movie on Netflix for you to watch when you get back. It is very important to do this prior to obtaining food so that you can immediately eat and be entertained on your return. The best track to take when selecting said movie is to pick something you would be embarrassed to watch with other people. No quality entertainment allowed. It can be anything from the tale of three Australian girls who deal with their transformations from girlhood to mermaids to wedding shows off of TLC. The second choice seems best. Please avoid anime and black humor shows.

Step 7: Make yourself presentable.
Under no circumstances are you to take a shower. However, you need to put your hair up and apply a little more mascara since yours has been washed away. Another important element is to wear skinny jeans or some other item of clothing that will make you feel good about yourself hence canceling out how you will feel after you've eaten. The Key: you don't want other people to know how low you have sunk so look good.

Step 8: Obtain the food.
Walk to Taco Bell, its not far enough to drive, plus the walk will do you good. You can pretend that all the guys driving by are checking you out. When some of them wave at you pretend not to notice. Get to Taco Bell and order the cheesiest sauciest thing you can think of and while you wait pretend that the 40 year old guys behind you are checking you out. This seems gross, but it will give you a self-esteem boost. Don't forget to get a large caffeinated soda. The caffeine will boost your energy enough so you don't feel like harming yourself. And Pepsi is just so good. You will feel like a rebel.

Step 9: Commence pity party.
Get back to your apartment, put on some stretchy pants (cause you'll need them), and start watching your movie. Eat every bite of the combo meal you ordered. The more the better. This is your day.

Step 10: Hide the evidence.
Though this has been your day and you have used these bad circumstances to your greatest advantage, no one else really needs to know. Frankly, they will be slightly disgusted. So throw away the Taco Bell wrappers and put some real clothes on before the day is over and your roommates get home from work/school.

Things to remember:
-Do Not take calls, answer messages, talk to other people more than necessary
-Look as bad as possible while alone, because you can
-Do Not pick up shifts at work for that night for coworkers. You may kill one of the perky girls at the store accidentally.
-Enjoy it, bad days only come around every so often and you need to make the most of them when they do.

And if its raining that day that is just icing on the cake.

Hillbilly Revival

For those of you who don't know, there are a lot of terrible things happening in the world today, really terrible. At the top of the list of terrible things would be world hunger, war, old men who think climate change is a myth (dad), pestilence, natural disasters, and Obama. But these things happen every day and we have gotten used to them. They are number one on all of our lists of things to change because they are such big problems. But we have become blinded by the huge problems and we are allowing a couple not-so-biggies to slip by unnoticed. What? What are these things that are so cleverly concealed that we have failed to notice them and consequently squash them before they can evolve into actual world crises? Well, my friends, there is only one you should really be worrying about right now and I have appropriately named it REDNECKERY.
Redneckery: a social problem involving a percentage of a population who resort to hillbilly tendencies. i.e. mullets, enormous cars, gross southern accents, improper diction, loss of manners.
Unfortunately I have picked up on a large concentration of Redneckery in the Provo, UT area. The signs are everywhere. For instance:
It's the 3rd of July. I am riding passenger in Taylor's car. Suddenly my eyes are drawn to two teenage boys riding tiny bikes down the road. Why boys like to ride those tiny bikes I'll never know. Anyway, one of the two boys had, dare I say, a mullet! A mullet! But it was even worse cause it was on the nape of his neck like a rattail/mullet and it was also bleached blond! BLOND! It was disgusting. Let's call this thing the "ultimullet". Also let me add that he was wearing a wife beater. Sad. The worst thing was that I saw THREE ultimullets that same day. They seem to be targeting teenage boys who think they are really cool. Perhaps we should worry less about illegal immigration from Mexico and focus more on the illegal immigration from Missouri (and even Texas).
Other signs have come up while I work as a painter this summer. It seems that blue collar workers are attracted to other blue collar workers, which is what I am. Don't get me wrong, its not that I don't enjoy being catcalled by guys in white pick-up trucks, but... no I actually don't enjoy it. PEOPLE! It's the 21 century!!!! We know we are destroying the environment!!!! BUY SMALLER CARS!!!! Hummers were never awesome.
I don't know what it is but it seems that by now people would have picked up on the "classy is cool" vibe we have going and stop acting like such idiots. If they would just stop putting bigger tires on their cars and start reading books perhaps our country wouldn't be in such trouble. "Don't" is not an appropriate substitute for "Doesn't". If they could finally understand that getting drunk and having sex isn't something I like to discuss at work and if they could please PLEASE stop getting enormous cross tattoos on their backs a la Brad from the bachelor I think we would all be a little happier and a little safer. Thank you.

Anyone who makes a camaro joke will be sorry.

Lets Talk About Sex (but really lets not)

So, I just finished the "week from you-know-where" and I've come out victorious (more or less) with only a car full of crap and a (finals) hangover to show for it. Seriously, who decided it would be a good idea to make all the students move out of fall/winter housing the same week as finals? Because they were wrong, it's a terrible idea.
Right now I'm spending my weekend at Sloan and Julia's because the people who decided it would be a good idea to make us move out of fall/winter housing during finals week thought it would be an even BETTER idea to not let us move into spring housing until the next Monday. So there is a whole campus full of "spring goers" wandering around Utah, parking their bikes behind random houses because they don't know what to do with them for the weekend. It keeps things exciting.

...

Ok! Well, I took a couple day hiatus from writing this post and now I'm back. Also, I can't remember why I wanted to call it "Lets Talk About Sex", if I do I will let you know. I am now, officially, moved in to my new apartment. It's pretty sweet since there are only three girls living in a six girl apartment and since our other roommate works a lot it basically feels like only Ashley and I live here. And we are taking full advantage of that. We decorated. It looks pretty sweet.


Right now we are both "working" on our computers while laying in our beds. Did I mention we have bunk beds? Do you know what the only thing that is better than bunk beds is? An ethernet chord that stretches to the top bunk and yes, I have one.
Also, our apartment is two stories. Oh!







More Pics Of Our Apartment For Your Pleasure:
















Another view of the living room, we bought a TV. Its from DI.


















Kitchen (duh)
















View from our living room. Yes, that is the pool. Prime Real-estate people. My computer doesn't like that word...
















OUR ROOM!!! And there is Ashley.
















The view from our window. This is not a joke.

An Inconvenient Truth

You know something I don't understand? Automatically flushing toilets... what are they good for? Am I incapable of flushing a toilet by myself? The buildings at school have them all over the place. Maybe, I would understand if this wasn't BYU and the kids were all running around drunk and high and doing who-knows-what in the bathrooms, but really? I am 20 now and I think I am a capable human being. These toilets always seem to go off at uncomfortable moments and I always end up wishing that they would just let me do this one thing for myself.
This is how I feel every time:

Toilet: FLUSH!!!!!!
Me: Wha-? NO!!
Toilet: ...Oh! sorry were you not ready?
Me: Seriously? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M READY?
Toilet: Well... I don't know... Kind of?
Me: You could have waited like another second. Isn't this your job? Don't you do this all the time?
Toilet: Of course! Jeeze! One badly timed flush and they start doubting the whole operation.
Me: Ok, sorry. I just needed a little longer.
Toilet:...Soooo how about now?
Me: No.
Toilet: Oh, no- now?
Me: Just WAIT!
Toilet: Oh uh...ok... Is this a good time? No?
Me: (cries a little bit)
Toilet: N-...Now?
Me: (sigh) Sure just go for -
Toilet: FLUSH!!!!!!!

I'm Twisted!!! - A Story of Alpacas

Wow, my back hurts. A lot. You may ask, "Mikyn, why does your back hurt?" Then I may say, "Sit down and let me tell you a story..."
Really the reason my back hurts is because I took a nap in the MARB on friday in between my 8 am and 10 am classes. I slept on a bench and it didn't do my back any favors. Thats really the end of the back mystery. What I did later just made it worse.
I went to an alpaca ranch!!!! I know super exciting. Up until Friday the only real interaction I had had with an alpaca was sticking my hand into its rumen. For those of you who don't know a rumen is like a four chambered stomach, commonly found in cows and other foregut fermenters. Anyway, the same professor who let us feel his animal's rumen is the same professor that invited the Wildlife and Range Club down to his alpaca ranch in Moroni, Utah.
The first thing I noticed when we got down there was the ridiculous amount of mud everywhere. Driving up their driveway was like traversing a boggy mud desert. Our car was almost lost in the deepest puddle known to man. Given, it had snowed a bunch and melted in the same day. Luckily, I had borrowed Emily's rain boots. I would like to point out that everyone else had really cool hiking boots, the kind I would like to have, but I stayed the driest. HA HA!
So to save us all from a super long and boring blog post I am just going to summarize what we did on this trip (in chronological order). Go:
1. Rode in the back of Dr. Robinson's truck.
2. Rode in Dr. Robinson's truck to load up some rams (male sheep) and move them to a holding pen.
3. I held a baby lamb like a baby. Awesome!
4. We went up to our cabins, which had wood stoves that took a really long time to heat up. It was dark and ridiculously windy by this time. Pretty cold.

5. We were supposed to be making spaghetti for dinner, but nobody brought any water. So we loaded the pot up with snow and started to melt it.
6. It took us around two and a half hours to melt the snow, get the water hot enough to cook spaghetti in, make sauce with hamburger and onions, and French bread. Let's just say that by the time dinner was ready and the dinner bell had been rung, we were all pretty hungry. Time: between 9:30 and 10 pm.
7. We made desserts including banana boats and dump cake. Don't ask.
8. We went to bed. The boys took the bigger cabin by convincing us that our smaller one would be warmer. Since there was seven girls and four beds we had to share. I got a top bunk with Becca. I called the wall side early on but to my chagrin realized that the wall side of our bed was seriously slanted. I spent the entire night virtually on top of Becca. Spooning did not help my back problems. My feet kept getting twisted in my sleeping bag.
9. I had a really weird dream that in the middle of the night everyone decided to leave without having breakfast. It made me angry.
10. We got up and went down to Dr. Robinson's ranch for a breakfast of pancakes, sausage, bacon, hashbrowns, and eggs. We had it, it was awesome. Also, I tried my first bite of llama. If you're wondering, it tastes like hamburger meat, but the thought of eating llama makes it a lot worse.
11. We went out to play with the alpacas. We helped him feed them and while we were doing that we all decided to chase the alpacas around and try to catch them. This was slightly terrifying and yes, I did catch one. In the process I was also kicked by an alpaca because apparently you aren't supposed to grab the ones with longer hair. Why? Because they will kick you. Thanks for the warning. We also discovered a couple dead alpacas.
12. I got to drive Dr. Robinson's tractor. I only drove it for a little while, then let another girl drive it. The jumping movements caused by the clutch did not help my back.















13. I got to walk a fistulated alpaca. The ones that you can stick your hand inside.















14. We went back up the the cabins, pet some horses, and ate lunch.
15. I came home muddy, poopy, and sore.
Another great outing with the Wildlife and Range Club. And yes, I am being serious.
THE END

My Man

(one option)






















Being at BYU has made me think a lot about relationships and marriage. example: I am currently enrolled in a class called LDS Marriage and Family Relations, the guy I sat next to in that class today is married, and more and more of my friends are pairing off. I however remain totally and completely alone.
I'm beginning to think something is wrong with me. Obviously I'm attractive, funny, hard working, intelligent, stylish, and down to earth. Attracting a mate is not the problem. It's keeping them around. Either I don't give them enough incentive to stick around or I get bored too quickly and decide I don't like them. It's a pretty good balance. Whenever a guy I like starts liking me I drop him like a rock, but at the same time I can like a guy who doesn't like me for YEARS. Until he starts liking me.
So I figure, since I'm waiting this long for the right guy I might as well be really picky and only go for the sort of guys I want. I have that luxury, I've learned to live on my own.
I've compiled a list of traits that I would like my future boyfriend/husband to have (not in any particular order:
1. Muscular Arms - I am undeniably attracted to large, muscular biceps. I can't help it. No matter what the guy looks like face-wise, if he has big arms I'm already interested. Not huge, just nice.

















2. Tall - being 5'8'' I think I am entitled to a semi tall guy. However being in Utah limits my options, but I am still on the hunt for a nice tall man. Someone I can wear heels around and still have him be taller. A nice 6'2, 6'3 is all I'm asking.

























3. Rugged - I want a guy who likes the outdoors and especially animals since I plan to have a lot of them. It would be nice to meet a guy that would like the same things I like and maybe work with me. We could own a ranch in Montana or go to Africa and save the cheetahs and the orphans. I don't want a redneck though. Sorry rednecks.





(these guys are pretty rugged right? I mean, they're wearing plaid and they're running so...)
ok maybe a mix of them and this guy























4. Dancer - As in can dance. I want a guy who can move cause I like to dance and I'll bring him along.

5. Funny/ Sarcastic - Must be able to understand my sarcastic sense of humor. Otherwise my family will eat him alive.

6. Likes to play with my hair - This is probably the most important trait. He's going to see a lot of hair playing time and needs to learn to enjoy it.




















7. Makes me feel small - my guy has to be larger than me so that I feel small. Can't be super skinny or (like I said) short.


8. Smells Good - like when I walk by him I am drawn to him like a cat to catnip.


















9. Nice Face - The first step is attraction. Although I'm willing to make an acception:























10. Has a secret obsession with Lord of the Rings - Mandatory. The End

I don't think I'm asking too much here. I know there has to be a guy like this out there somewhere. Right? You may say, "Mikyn, you are too concerned with how the guy looks. Shallow!" Well I say, FALSE! Any guy who has these characteristics is bound to be a super nice person. Anyway, Julia is the one who is always telling me to find a "manly" man.

As a side note the searches for these pictures often led me to "questionable" material. The things I do for you people.

Kenley

Went home for Christmas break. By far the most interesting thing that happened to me was having conversations with Kenley. my niece.
While sitting in the airport waiting to fly home as my flight got delayed later and later. I was talking to mom for some reason and Kenley wanted to talk to me.
Kenley: HI!
Me: Hi Kenley!
Kenley: (what I thought she said) I'm excited for you to play with me!
(what she actually said) I decided you could play with me.
Me: I'm excited too.
Kenley: yeah blah blah blah blah blah
Me: cool!
Kenley: (big sigh) aaaaah K well... (walks away from phone)
apparently she was done talking to me. I have taught her too well.

Making Kenley breakfast:
Me: What do you want to eat?
Kenley: uuuuum...
Me: cereal?
Kenley: yes cheerios
Me: what kind of sugar do you want?
Kenley: sugar. There is white sugar and brown sugar.
Me: I know, which kind do you want?
Kenley: Brown sugar
Me: Ok, here you go
Kenley: (takes her cereal) Can we watch more of my show after this?
Me: yeah sure we can watch your show.
Kenley: (another big sigh) Aaaaaaah... Good morning Mikyn.